One More Year of Choices
By Barbara Dahlgren
We all know the story of Job in the Bible. He was a wealthy, loyal servant of God who was afflicted by Satan and lost everything he had. He was miserable. So his friends came to help. However, Job’s friends were not helpful. In fact, they added to Job’s misery. If we aren’t careful, we can add to a person’s misery, all the while thinking we are being helpful.
What Job needed was comfort and encouragement. Instead he got judgment and condemnation. They assumed Job was being punished for some sin he had committed or evil he’d done. They reasoned that Job’s suffering was his own fault – but this was not true. Sometimes when people have problems, we make those same assumptions, not knowing what God is bringing to pass in someone’s life.
Job’s friends started out with good intentions. First, they just sat with Job in silence. But then they got spiritual. They felt they had to say something, and what they said was insensitive. Sometimes it’s better to just sit with someone during a trial, but keep our platitudes to ourselves.
Here are some things “helpful” people say and what suffering people think when they hear them. Although these statements may be true, they are not comforting during a present distress.
What we say: This was part of God’s plan.
What they think: I find it so reassuring that a loving God wants me to suffer.
What we say: God works in mysterious ways.
What they think: Yes, He does! And I wish He’d reveal a little of that mystery to me right now.
What we say: All things work together for good to those who love the Lord.
What they think: Maybe it will, but I don’t really care right now.
What we say: God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
What they think: It doesn’t feel that way at the moment.
What we say: What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.
What they think: That’s catchy. Maybe they can put it on my tombstone.
What we say: You need to pray more.
What they think: So do you!
What we say: You’ll be just fine.
What they think: How the #$%# do you know?
What we say: Be thankful it isn’t worse.
What they think: Be thankful I’m not punching you in the nose right now.
What we say: I understand how you feel.
What they think: No, you don’t!
These statements may be true, and might be helpful in retrospect, but certainly not during the present suffering. Gracious words are sweet like a honeycomb and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24) These words are not healing any bones. It might be better to just give a hug and sit in silence. Sitting in silence can be comforting.
If we must say something, consider statements like…
- I’m so sorry you are going through this.
- You are in my thoughts and prayers.
- Can I bring a meal over? What would you like?
- I’m here if you want to talk.
Consider this… People don’t want to be preached to in times of trouble. They just want to feel like someone cares.
Suggestions for practicing this choice…
If people want to talk to you when they are suffering, then listen. Do not give unwanted advice or say thoughtless things that make them feel worse.
Let people know you are thinking of them and praying for them. Then actually pray for them!
Ask them specifically if you can help by offering to drive the children to school, give them a ride, walk the dog, bring a meal, etc. If you ask what you can do to help, they might say, “Loan me $1000 or buy me a second-hand car.” This might not be the kind of help they really need, or that you want to offer.
Ask God for wisdom to avoid saying things that are not helpful.
Don’t get preachy. Let them know you care.
